Tuesday, 10 February 2015

My Life Story, rewritten

Those you thought would be on your side, turns out to be only " doing their job ", Those that you think that feel so deeply for you, can turn their back on you at a moment notice, Fighting and making a difference, can take more than a lifetime to change one thing. Graduating from a college and going on to getting a job, is a real rough path especially if you have been through depression. These are just a few things I have been through, yet I continue to push forward, falling, but getting up again and again. Feeling like giving up, yet I get back up and continue, I let go feeling like it’s over, but get right back up and take it once more because deep inside I know I can. I have been through so much, from my school life, my depression I faced after graduating college, my push for change, relationship issues, isolation, sadness, and so much more things I had been through in my life, yet I keep going. I will tell you everything that I have faced, everything I have felt, gone through, and give you what you need, motivation, and more to create change. You are not alone!

The story begins in elementary school in the 4th grade, where I had to move from one school to another, I was shy and did not know anyone in the school, I was placed in a help class, to help me with my homework. In time, the teachers of that class told me and my parents that I will never ever go to college, or even a “proper high school”. Can you imagine how that must have felt to hear that from those who are supposed to be there to prepare you and help you to make it to something more than just a “proper high school”? In time, the school allowed me to go to my 6th grade without any of the extra help. I almost got straight As and proved them wrong. Sounds great doesn’t it, but this is actually the start of my depressive school life.

I had to face so many hardships from this point. Students making fun of me for any little thing I do, and It wouldn’t just last a day, it would last longer. I was bullied for almost every single thing I did that I started to feel like everything I did was wrong. I also started to feel like I had no friends around me, and being the new shy kid in the school, I started to turn into just being shy to talk to someone, to being scared to talk to someone. I would leave all of this to myself, not tell my parents because they were so focused on my education, and would not tell my brother since he seemed happy with his life, so I was alone, until I have met someone.

There was this girl in one of my classes, we hardly talked but I had a feeling that inside she cared, we talked and she even hugged me at my 8th grade graduation, you can say that she was my first crush. I wanted to get to know more about her, and she even went to the same high school I was in, but she started to turn her back on me, like all this time she only felt sorry for me. I had no other choice but to force myself away from her. I thought of her for almost 6 years, as I mentioned, was my first crush in a way.

Before I get into my high school life, I have also went to a summer camp 3 times ( 3 summers ). I was so nervous about going there, but I went from being shy, to being so open and free and talkative, it was like I could be myself. It was a great time in my life and I still hold memories of it with me, like being awarded the friendship awards for all 3 summers I went, ok one of them was a swimming award but the thing it said on the award was more of a friendship award.

My high school life, West Hill, I used to call it West Hell, cause it is the place where I have suffered so much and changed me, for the worst. I was still being laughed at, but luckly my 2 best friends from my first elementary school were there, but by that time, the time we started to hand out, it was already “too late”. I felt so down and sad, to the point that I thought that I was shy and always have been, when really deep down I was scared. I started having thoughts every time I was alone, feeling like I was surrounded by people laughing at me, me in the center and a dark circle of people laughing at me. I would sometimes see a light, like a sign of hope, someone who seemed to care and I would go towards it, but then would other turn dark, or would push me back and laugh at me again. It was bad, REALLY BAD.

A teacher noticed what was going on, mostly because my marks were looking strange, getting good in stuff I get bad at and low on stuff I get good at, like a wave. They brought of a doctor to check up on me, done a few puzzles and tests, and found out that I had a superior mind and should be getting great marks. Some may think that this is great and should make me feel better, but to me at the time it made me feel worse, cause at that point I realized that I had no problem, they just had a problem with me, and I was stuck in a place full of people who didn’t like me.

It got to the point where I would come home screaming and mad every day even if the day wasn’t so bad. I would even hurt myself, no cuts, but I would choke myself with a t shirt, still allowing air through, but would do it to the point where I felt pain. I was depressed and dead inside and “gone”.
One day, I went on a chat site, and I was really surprised what I saw. I started making a ton of online friends so much that eventually I had to make more than one account. I was shocked to get the love, seeing so much people care and even like me. I was so happy and I stopped hurting myself, still felt bad in school, but I always had something, and people to go to when I need to.

My parents started taking me to religious events. Seeing a lot of people, my parent’s friends and so on, I found the speeches and so on interesting, but yet every single time I went there, I was looked at as a no body. No one there wanted to get to know me, they would say hi then want to know where my brother is and spend the rest of the time talking to him, and this lasted for years and never changed. For a place of “love” and people gathering together and so on, you wouldn’t think that anyone could feel alone, or not feel welcomed, but I did, caused me to feel even worse about myself, pretty strange isn’t it.

Now for my college life, yes I said college, the place where some teachers thought I would never make it but I did, and I was in one of the hardest programs, computer science. You would think that nothing can happen in college, knowing that they are adults and educated people around, that there can’t be anything bad right? Well I met someone who always liked to be around me, and she even told me she loved me, but turned out that she used me to get good marks on her exams. Once she got better at it, she just left me like I was nothing, and I was alone, again. At that time, I felt like I had a choice to make, to keep all my personal stuff that I wanted to say or talk to someone, to leave all that online, and to leave all my educational career stuff in person. I even chose to do a group project that was meant for 5 people, to do it by myself. I got a great mark on it. From that point on, I just kept person stuff online, and education in person.

After college, my depression really kicked in. I had no distractions and nothing to do, and my depression came out. Got really sad and mad and wanted to do so many things, wanted to be noticed for something so badly that I would do anything, become a pro wrestler, but would stop because I felt like I would just be made fun of or was being made fun of, would think about being an actor, but then felt like I would not be good enough. I was in a loop, and my brother didn’t make it any better, there was one moment where my brother went on and on about something, and it was the first and only time that I heard laughing in my head, and no one was laughing.

I had to take anti-depressants for a little bit, and felt much better. I then started to focus so much of my time to help others to make a difference and I could have too actually, I reached to the point where one of the top people in the school board contacted me and wanted to know more, but then wanted me to do something that I couldn’t do at the time. I felt rejected and was down, I thought that it was over and chose to focus hard on getting a job and working to get somewhere, but I still keep reaching out and helping those in need, and I still continue to find ways to make a difference in the world.

I have also met someone online who I was with for 3 years, she was so sweet, caring, and I believed that she really felt for me. Days before I went to see her in person, she cheated on me, when I went there, she had no interest in me, even though she always said she dreamed about it. I believe that she may have felt something for me, but her life changed, that caused her to do things she would never have done, and change into something really bad, I had no choice but to let her go.

I do not have many friends, I am alone most of the time, but yet I keep fighting. I keep pushing forward through all the rough times. I continue to prove people wrong, fighting, working hard, and making a difference in people’s lives. It has also been a rough time getting a job, having suffered after graduating and having little to show, but yet I know so much. I am a fighter, a survivor, and a giver. I have been told by many people that I have what it takes to be a leader, but to me, everyone does. KEEP FIGHTING! PUSH FORWARD! NEVER GIVE UP!

No comments:

Post a Comment